Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

From Resident Evil to Stay Alive (*shudder*), there have been plenty of unnecessary video game to movie adaptations. It seems now that whenever we play a great game, we immediately start wondering "Who will direct the movie adaptation?" One thing they all have in common? Almost all of them are terrible, even just movies that are about games in any way. But why? Could it be because watching someone play a game is never as fun as actually playing a game? That seems like a simple explanation. But will Hollywood ever learn this? Well anyone in question of this should take a look at the 2003 film Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, which made us embarrassed to be gamers. So, pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, and let's watch. This is Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.


Now, before we begin, let's have a little history lesson, shall we? In 2001, Spy Kids was released, a film about two kids who become, well, spies. Strangely enough it was directed by Robert Rodriguez. For a movie like this, it was actually pretty good, and got almost universally positive reviews. I really liked it as a kid, but today it doesn't quite hold up. Some of the jokes just aren't very funny looking at them now, but it certainly isn't a bad movie. It was very popular though, so naturally a sequel was made. When I first heard about it, I nearly shit my pants. I was so excited, I can't even begin to describe it. It was released in 2002, and good God was it awesome. At least for me, it completely blew the first film out of the water. It was basically about this island where a crazy scientist, Romero, tries to create miniaturized animals, but instead ends up with a bunch of fucking monsters everywhere. It sounds like a terrible B-movie, but it was actually a genuinely good movie. It even still stands up today in many ways. It was successful, so naturally another film was in the works. And now we get into the shit.
Not very long after Spy Kids 2 had passed us, we started hearing about the sequel. First, I heard that it was going to be about a video game. Being the gaming enthusiast I was, I couldn't fucking believe it. It was like a dream come true. Soon after I heard it was actually going to be a 3-D film. Now, at the time I was all about 3-D, so I seriously almost fucking exploded. This was going to be it. This was going to be the movie. Nothing could possibly happen to ruin it. And then it came out. Now, before I get into the review, I should mention that I actually really liked the film when I first saw it. Although I was disappointed with some aspects of it, I thought it was fun and that the 3-D was really cool. But when I grew up, took off the glasses, and saw the film for what it was, I couldn't believe I actually liked it. With that in mind, let's begin.
The day was July 25, 2003. I was 10 years old. I walk into the theater shaking with excitement, buy my ticket, grab my extra large popcorn, put on my glasses, trip and fall over a few times, realize I should wait until the movie starts to put the glasses on, take my seat, and the film begins.

We go through the agonizing 10 minutes or so of previews, and finally, we’re treated to those glorious five words “And now our feature presentation.” At this point there were so many kids shaking with excitement I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole theater collapsed in on itself. A black screen. “GLASSES ON” comes up on the screen.


I try to breathe and finally put my glasses on. Here we go. The Dimension logo appears, IN 3-D. The letters pop out and fly into the audience. It was the first shot of the movie, and already I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, I was so amazed. The credits come up. SPY KIDS 3-D is seen in, well, 3-D. And what’s the first scene? None other than god damn Floop’s Foogle and the thumb thumbs. One of my favorite aspects of the first two movies…in 3-D. And what do they do? Recap... the first two movies. Uh…this is kind of…odd…I mean we’ve seen the first 2 movies, guys. But hey, IT’S IN 3-D. So I’ll let it slide. “Today’s feature presentation will be in three dimensions” Floop says, holding out three fingers into the audience.


OH MY GOD. WE’RE ONLY A FEW MINUTES IN AT ALREADY THIS IS AMAZING. WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT? “But for now, take off your glasses” he says as GLASSES OFF appears on the screen, “…you won’t need them for about fifteen minutes or so!” What. Ha. HA. Good one guys. No, but seriously, where’s the real movie. Floop goes on to explain how to watch the movie, even EXPLAINING HOW TO GO OUT TO THE CONCESSION STAND TO GET POPCORN. Wait, this….this is the real movie isn’t it. Oh god. Okay, well it’s not that bad, I mean they have to set up the 3-D aspect of the movie, right? That makes sense. Okay, so what’s happening now? We see Juni at an aqua park. He….looks around. He steps in gum. “A gum shoe!”, he says. HA. GUM. “I know why the water in your park is missing.” Okay, so let me get this straight, the first scene of the film is one of our favorite characters breaking the fourth wall, telling us that the next 15 minutes will NOT be in 3-D like we were waiting for, and the second scene is our protagonist investigating a water park and stepping in gum. Oh god, this is gonna suck, isn’t it. Juni goes from job to job, earning money. “Times are tough, but a guy’s gotta do what he’s gotta do.” Uh….dude, you realize you’re like 10 right? Can’t he just get an allowance or something? And besides that, the next shot is him WALKING DOWN A CITY STREET, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, WITH NOT A SINGLE CAR OR PERSON VISIBLE ANYWHERE.


So he goes up to get in line to buy his copy of the biggest virtual reality game in history, Game Over, to go online at midnight. He looks and sees a sign for a charity. “But there’s gotta be some things more important than games.” He decides he will donate his money to the charity. “Oh, and did we mention the surprises the toymaker has in store for those of you who complete level five? Untold riches, toys, and prizes beyond your wildest dreams.” He gets back in line. That’s right kids, be sure to spend all of your money on the newest video game in order to conform with the rest of society, because helping people is for faggots. Clearly the film has already set up a likable character for us to connect to. Alright, so he goes back to his tree house and gets a message from the….president of the United States.



Yeah. I have no idea. “Hold onto your seat” **extreme close up** “your sister’s missing.” Extreme close ups make everything more dramatic! So he goes to the OSS headquarters or something, and sees agents Donagan and Francesca.



They tell him that Game Over is actually a trap. Once you get through the game, your mind belongs to the Toymaker, the creator of the game who’s goal is to take over the world. What else? They tell Juni they sent his sister inside the game, but she disappeared. “How can she disappear inside a game?” Juni asks. Exactly, what the hell?


“She can’t hear you, her mind’s still in the game.” But wait, you have to have the glasses on to enter the game, right? So, can’t they just take the glasses off? “Now, you go in, find your sister, help her shut down the game---“ NO, HEY, CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE OFF THE GLASSES? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Could you guys really not come up with a better plot than this? How hard can it possibly be? What’s wrong with rewriting it so that when you go into the game, your body physically enters the game too. That would completely solve this whole problem. You can usually tell a script is poorly written when you find a gigantic plot hole in the first ten minutes. So, they strap him into some….electric chair looking machine and present him with the magical glasses. They then proceed to send him through a zero gravity chamber into the game. Wait---what’s the point of the glasses if they have to send him through this giant fucking tunnel of death anyway? Should I even bother trying to make sense of this movie?

Well, we’re greeted with the words “GLASSES ON” and see the first 3-D image of the film. This shit.



Already I want to switch to the 2D version. Ugh, well here we go. Juni lands in the world of game over and begins to look around. Suddenly, a group of frogs hopping around on pogo sticks appears. If…if they’re frogs why do they need—you know what, what’s the point? It is a 3-D movie after all, so of course the pogo toads leap into the audience! Oh no! But then, well, this happens. I feel I need to provide a picture here because without it you’d think I’m making this one up. One of the toad’s actually…well..look:


He breaks the fucking “screen.” ISN’T THE WHOLE POINT OF A 3-D MOVIE TO GIVE THE ILLUSION OF, OH I DON’T KNOW, THREE FUCKING DIMENSIONS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ugh. Let’s move on, shall we? Juni, naturally, makes a run for it. Oh, and this is just some fantastic green screening, isn’t it?



We see a trail of coins, i.e Super Mario Brothers, leading directly into the center of the group of pogo toads. What? Another 10 year old in tights walks out, grabbing the coins. Meet Arnold. He’s the tough guy. Just to make sure you’re aware of this, he proceeds to kick the shit out of the toads, even PICKING ONE UP BY THE TONGUE AND SPINNING IT AROUND IN CIRCLES.



Subtle.

He walks up to Juni and stares at him for a moment. I guess it’s supposed to be threatening, but I’m sorry, no matter how hard I try I just can’t take this shit seriously:



Arnold picks up a coin that was under Juni’s foot (what?) and proceeds to catch a ride on one of the pogo toads. I guess they don’t have a problem with the fact that he just fucking killed several of them. Oh well. Juni tries to do the same, but instead accidentally grabs on to Dexter. He’s the nerdy guy, who is hopping around on a pogo stick for some reason. “Hey, get your own ride creepo”, he says. That’s how kids today talk, right? Dexter uses some….freaky fucking alien device to hook on to Juni’s head and drop him over.




He….couldn’t have just, you know, pushed him?
So Juni falls into a conveniently placed manhole. We cut back to the…I want to say lab?


Whatever the fuck this place is.
Francesca asked Donagan how Juni is. “Oh, he fell” he says. Okay, I don’t even know where to start here. HOW THE HELL CAN THEY SEE WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE GAME? Ugh, this movie. Alright, let’s just continue, shall we? Meanwhile, Juni awakes completely unharmed to---this fucking thing.



Whatever the hell it is, it tells Juni that he fell three stories and lost one of his lives. He now has 8 lives left, meaning you start with 9 lives. That’s….kind of a random number, but okay, you start with 9 lives. “After taking heavy damage, you lose a life.” “What happens when I hit zero?” “GAME OVER.” That is some top notch writing. Juni looks at his watch, and sees that he now has only 4 hours left. The floaty fucking…whatever the hell it is, then proceeds to….do this…to bring Juni up to the surface.



Yeah, I don’t know. Juni meets up with Dexter and Arnold, and explains who he is, not at all upset about the fact that Dexter dropped him to his death into a manhole just moments ago. He explains to them that he’s trying to get to level five in order to, you guessed it, save the world. They introduce him to Rez, who is sitting on top of a giant target for some reason. Oh, did I mention he’s the cool guy?



You can tell because of all that hair gel. That’s cool material. We learn that these kids are the younest beta testers in the world, and Juni explains that he needs to get to level 5 or the world will be taken over by the toymaker. They tell him to get to level two he has to bounce off a target onto the moon. He does, but we soon learn that this was just a trap! Woah! Juni flies up to the moon in another display or horrific green screening, and loses another life. I know this is supposed to be threatening, but I can’t help but feel like cheering every time it happens. It’s like “WOOHOO, ONE STEP CLOSER TO THE END OF THE MOVIE!” Donagan and Francesca suddenly appear for some reason, and tell Juni that they can no longer be of assistance, even though they’ve done absolutely nothing to assist him the entire movie.



Francesca tells Juni that he can bring in any person from the outside to help him. Okay, where to begin. Why the hell can Juni bring someone into the game? Either A) Francesca and Donagan can influence the game, which would defeat the purpose of the entire mission or B) The toymaker built this into game, which wouldn’t make any sense either. You know what? Let’s just move on. “Pull up the family files!” Juni says. Dot dot fucking dot. WHY THE HELL DO THEY HAVE FILES ON EVERYONE IN HIS FAMILY, AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHY DOES JUNI NEED THEM? DOES HE NOT KNOW WHO’S IN HIS FAMILY? Well, rather than going for his extremely athletic and powerful father who’s skilled in karate he goes with his physically disabled grandfather of course!


I have no idea. Juni tells grandpa that they’re in a videogame run by a madman named The Toymaker. “The Toymaker is here?” he says. What. No, no he can’t mean—no. No this movie can’t possibly be--- “You know him?” “I’ve been hunting him down for thirty years.” Wow. How. Fucking. Convenient. Speaking of convenience, a power up magically appears called “mega legs.” Juni gives it to his grandpa, who becomes, well look.



Now, this is apparently a power up that increases the power of your legs I guess, right? That’s why it’s called mega legs? Well, if you gave that to a handicapped person, wouldn’t they just have, you know, regular legs? I don’t know. Allow us to continue. Rather than help Juni save the world, grandpa decides to go running after a butterfly.


Meanwhile, at the Toymaker's lair, we see the evil mastermind has kidnapped Carmen. Shocker. Back on the moon, Juni stumbles across a, *sigh*, robot fighting rink called the Robocon.



Another ten year old in tights comes out and tells Juni he has to battle a mech.



But wait, this is another human, right? So that means that he’s playing the game like everyone else. But then—why is he…working for the game? This—makes no sense. Whatever. Juni is suited up, and he sees his opponent who, for some reason, is the only other human being in the entire rink. Meet Demetra. She’s the love interest.


Juni immediately falls in love because, well, she’s attractive (no she’s not.) Apparently how the game works is each contestant stands on top of these giant robot things and, well, beats the shit out of each other.


Now, here where the movie gets REALLY ridiculous. Demetra takes the first punch and knocks Juni to the ground. But, look at this. They aren’t even fucking strapped in or anything, they’re just kind of standing on these metal platforms. No harnesses, nothing. Yet, the robot falls completely on it’s back, and HE DOESN’T FUCKING FALL OFF.




LOOK. NOTHING HOLDING HIM IN WHATSOEVER. YET, IN THIS SCENE, DEMETRA ACTUALLY SPINS HIM AROUND IN CIRCLES AND THROWS HIM UP IN THE AIR, BUT NOTHING.



Ugh. Can’t breathe. Oh, and he loses another life. Threatening. The completely pointless scene in which Demetra kicks the living shit out of Juni continues until Juni suddenly becomes incredibly skilled at the game and defeats Demetra. Convenient. The one dude from earlier sends Juni off the moon to…somewhere. Meanwhile, in the toymakers lair, he paces the room talking to himself. Literally.



Not even going to cover this scene. It's just Sylvester Stallone sucking any funny this movie could have potentially had, which is a pretty hard feat.

Meanwhile, back in the game, Juni stands directly in front of the Game Over poster, matching up perfectly with it.


Arnold, Francis and Rez tell Juni that he’s “the guy.” The guy from the poster, that is. According to the manual, "the guy" can lead them through level five, the un-winnable level. Rez isn’t buying it, so they decide there’s only one way to find out. A race! A megarace to be exact. “The fastest most dangerous race in the game world.” Another pointless sequence in which to throw in as many poor 3-D effects as possible? Whee! Each player grabs a car , and a mysterious player in a pink suit enters, pointing at Juni. Pink suit, eh? Who ever could it be?



The race begins! The mysterious pink suit player throws some strange electric things at Juni. I like how she can somehow drive backwards here.


The whole sequence just feels really lame. The green screen effects are way two cheesy and unrealistic to buy. I know this is a video game, but the whole thing just looks artificial and phony. Not to mention that almost everything that happens in the race is just an excuse to throw shit at the audience. This includes Juni throwing a pie at the pink player, Juni’s car breaking apart, Rez getting thrown of the track, Rez hitting Juni with a boxing glove, pieces of broken cars flying everywhere, and it goes on, and on, and on, and on. Finally, about five and a half minutes later, the sequence ends and Juni is the winner! Surprise surprise! Oh, and even a bigger shocker, that mysterious pink player? It’s Demetra! I’M FUCKING STUNNED! The guys decide that Juni must be the guy, and they decide to go off to level five together. But here’s the twist: Everyone thinks they’re going to win the game, but really they’re going to shut it down! It’s like an episode of Party of Five! JUNI’S HEADING TO LEVEL FIVE, BUT UH OH, HE’S GOT TWO DATES ON THE SAME NIGHT. WHAT EVER WILL HE DO.

Now, they continue on and get to…this place.


Francis notices these strange chips floating everywhere and, being the nerd that he is, he realizes that they’re signs of programmers, the “braniacs who wrote the book for the game.” These programmers will bounce them all back to level one again if they catch them, and unfortunately Demetra has a map for the game. For some reason this is considered cheating, even though almost every video game in history has a map in it. Well, naturally they do the smart thing and split up! The nasty programmers find Demetra and Juni, but luckily super grandpa appears and….lifts them up into the air..?



Francis uses some sort of strange men in black technology to reveal what the programmers really look like.



HURR HURR. I get it. Nerd jokes. Grandpa lets them go for some reason and they run away, despite the fact that they could easily kick them all out of the game on the spot. The fabulous five continue and find a life pack. Juni decides to give it to Demetra, even though the entire world is in his hands and he desperately needs it in order to survive. How adorable. So they continue walking. This movie has a lot of walking in it, doesn’t it? They enter level 3, which looks a lot like cube land from Homestar Runner.


A strange out of place voice tells them to choose their best and strongest player. They chose Juni as best and Arnold as strongest. The two step out onto platforms, are given these weird lightsaber things and are forced to fight each other!


Whoever wins will proceed; whoever loses will have to leave the game! So of course the two, who seemed to be good friends just moment ago, begin to fight to the death! Arnold is the strong guy after all, so obviously Juni gets his ass handed to him. Just as Juni is about to lose his last life, Demetra immediately switches places with him. How dramatically convenient! She goes out onto the platform and suddenly becomes the worst player in the game. Arnold kicks her ass, and she gets a game over.


Juni is devastated because, well, she was attractive (no she wasn’t.) “I never even got her email address!” HA. Internet jokes. Seeeing Juni is upset, grandpa says “Don’t fall in love with a game, Juni.” Huh?

Uh, let’s move on? The fabulous fiv---err, four, continue on their quest to level five. Oh, and I forgot to mention. Remember that butterfly grandpa was chasing before? Turns out that’s how the toymaker sees what the players are doing. For some reason, Grandpa knows this, and will constantly look at it and say things like “You are causing so much pain.” But I don’t get it, if that’s the only way he can see them, why doesn’t grandpa just fucking crush the thing? That would solve a whole lot of their problems. Well, they enter level four, and Juni feels the need to point out to the audience that Carmen is on the level. They take about five steps, and low and behold , there she is!


Carmen tells Juni that the toymaker is the one who put grandpa in the wheelchair! How fucking convenient! And wait, how does she know this? Oh well. They continue to…you know…walk…to level 5. But first, they have to make a a detour through lava mountain!


Apparently, if you fall into the lava here, no matter how many lives you have, you lose. Wow, the movie’s looking up already! Pleasediefrancispleasediefrancispleasediefrancis.

Suddenly…..tinker…toys…appear behind them.


Yeah, I don’t know. They start running, and are forced to jump into the lava. So what do they do? They make surf boards of course!


Yeah. The fabulous four----err---five actually surf through the lava. Back at the lab, Donagan and Francesca realize that grandpa is going to try to break the toymaker out of the game, so they must evacuate the five from the game. So they have to drown them. Ugh. HOW CAN THEY HAVE AN EFFECT ON THE GAME. AND IF THEY DO, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE MISSION? Well, suddenly a giant fucking lava monster appears.


It begins throwing rocks and…drowns Carmen? Woah.


And Francis. Woah.


And Arnold. WOAH.


And Grandpa. HOLY SHIT. I take back everything I said. THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AMAZING.



And last, it fucking splatters Juni. THIS IS THE GREATEST FUCKING MOVIE OF ALL TIME HOLY SHIT.



Oh of course they’re still alive. Conveniently, the lava is cold! Meaning they all survived and the movie can continue! Whoopie! They find a door to the next level in a random cave for…some reason. Francis and Rez discuss Juni and how maybe he, I don’t know, isn’t the guy? It took them 47 minutes to figure this out, but they decide they’ll have to get rid of him or risk losing the game. Because who cares about people, it’s winning a game that’s most important. Carmen reveals that they’re really here to shut down the game. Awkward! (canned laughter) Spy kids 3-D was filmed in front of a live studio audience!

Alright, so as soon as they realize Juni isn’t the guy, the real guy conveniently appears right behind them! And it’s…


NO.ELIJAH WOOD, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE. GET OUT. GETTTT OUTTTTT. Well, the real guy delievers an inspirational speech about how nothing is unwinnable, and how if they all join together they can beat the unwinnable level! Yeah! They enter, the guy takes two steps, and is fucking fried.




That’s…dark.
Well, while we’re not making any sense. Demetra reappears! She tells Juni she found the exit portal. Ready for the big twist? Turns out Demetra isn’t even real! She’s just part of the game!


I don’t care! Anyway, The toymaker appears, and a bunch of fucking robots come out or something. I don’t know, at this point I can tell the movie’s ending and I lost the ability to give a shit about any of this. Demetra holds the door open so they can escape, despite the fact that she works for the toymaker.


In the next room there’s some sort of strange Stargate-esque portal, and the fabulous five return to the real world. There’s an obnoxiously bright flash which perfectly summarizes how fucking annoying the entire film is, and the words GLASSES OFF appears. OH THANK GOD, IT’S FUCKING OVER. The crew at the lab begin to applaud. Everything begins to wrap up. Well, honestly, that wasn’t as bad as I remember. I mean, the jokes were lame, and some things didn’t make much sense, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I rememb---INCOMING MESSAGE. Wait, what. Oh god, it’s not over, is it.

Turns out grandpa freed the toymaker! The room begins to shake and everyone runs outside. They look down the street and don’t see anything, but when they put on their glasses, they see---this.





Okay movie, do the glasses fucking take you into the world of the game or make you see the things that are in the game. Make up your fucking mind. Christ. If you can believe it, the robots from the game actually enter the real world and begin attacking the city. So we get a really lame sequence where they call in all the members of their family, and then all the characters from the previous movies come in to kick some ass. Oh, and for some reason the movie feels the need to point out who every character is as soon as they enter, even when it was stated five seconds earlier.



DAD. MOM. BOY. GIRL. CHAIR.

Everyone battles the robots for a while until we get the confrontation between Grandpa and the Toymaker that nobody has been waiting for. MAN, THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME. A HUGE FUCKING BATTLE TO FINISH THE SERIES. HERE WE GO.
Grandpa enters the toymakers lair, tells a sad story about all he missed while he’s been handicapped, and then—forgives him. What? Ugh.

The Toymaker decides to shut down the game, with a hilariously simple ON-OFF switch.



He does this, however, without GETTING OUT OF THE ROBOT THAT THEY’RE IN FIRST, so the robot collapses with them in it. We get that OH NO THEY’RE DEAD SCENE that every shitty movie seems to have. It lasts about five seconds, however, before the YAY THEY’RE ALIVE WOOHOO reveal. Unfortunately, nobody gives two flying elephant dicks about these characters, so it isn’t quite as effective.



So how do they end the Spy Kids trilogy? All the characters from the series put their hands together saying “To family!” including the toymaker. I guess they forgave him pretty easily after he just, you know, TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE FUCKING WORLD. The last shot, of course, completely ruins the 3-D aspect of the film yet again.



Overall, this movie is just…stupid. None of it makes any sense. The jokes are lame, the effects are bad, the acting is horrendous, and the plot is retarded. It’s like if someone tried to take one of those 10 minute long 3-D shows in Disney World and stretch it out to a full length movie, then five days before it was supposed to premiere said “oh shit, we have to throw in some sort of plot, right?” Why doesn’t the movie work? Could it be because it’s based on a video game, and video game movies just don’t work? Will Hollywood learn from their mistakes at some point? Well, with upcoming adaptations of Street Fighter, Far Cry, Tekken, Prince of Persia and Bioshock to look forward to, it looks like this game is far from over.